Why Do Couples Fight About Money (and How Can You Fix It)?

Speaker A00:00:00

Money fights hurt not just your budget, but your relationship. That small purchase turns into tension, a simple question turns into defensiveness, and a credit card statement turns into silence.And suddenly you're not arguing about money anymore. You're arguing about trust, or you're arguing about safety. Or maybe you're arguing about feeling heard.So, friend, if money has ever created distance between you and someone you love, you're not alone and you're not crazy for feeling how heavy it is. And you're going to be okay. So here's the question we're answering today. Why do couples fight about money? But bigger than that, how can you fix it?And here's what I promise you.By the end of this episode, you're going to understand when money fights are rarely about dollars and cents, what's really happening underneath the arguments? And bigger than all those things, to start rebuilding unity, with honesty, with grace and with patience. Today isn't about blame.It's not about taking sides. And it's not about shame. It's just about understanding and hope. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.Welcome to Financially Confident Christian, where we learn how to walk through life and money with wisdom, with peace, and with a heart anchored in God's truth.My mission every day is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and build those steady habits rooted in faith and truly become financially confident Christians. And I'm really glad you're here today. Yesterday, we slowed it down. Remember who truly provides our income.We talked about God as being the source and income streams as tools. And today we're going to start a new conversation. It's going to be called love and Money. Because money doesn't just affect spreadsheets.It affects our tone of voice. It affects our body language and deals with issues of trust and honestly, peace in our home.And friend, I'm going to tell you right now, if this is a tender topic for you, I want you to feel safe here. There's no judgment here. There's no shaming here. Here's the question I hear all the time, usually asked quietly, sometimes with tears.Ralph why do we fight about money so much when we love each other so deeply? And friend, that question right there carries a ton of pain, doesn't it? But it also carries hope.And it carries hope because you're still asking the question. And if you're still asking the question, guess what? You still care.So if money conversations feel tense, if you brace yourself every time finances come up, if you avoid the topic entirely because it feels safer not to talk about it, you're not bad at relationships. You're not broken, and you're not doing marriage wrong.You're navigating something emotional, often without the tools, because you were never taught those tools. And, friend, I've got to tell you, a lot of good couples struggle here. Not because they don't love each other. They love each other.But because money touches nerve endings. Let me tell you right now, it touches security, it touches freedom, it touches control. It gets into areas of shame.And a lot of times, it's deeply rooted in fear. So if you're feeling stuck right now, you're not alone feeling that way. And here's the truth. Most money fights are not about money at all.They're just not. When I hear somebody say, waiting about money, I go, no, I don't think you are. Most of the time, they're about fear. That's really the core of this.That's the root of this. Things like fear of not having enough, fear of repeating the past mistakes you've been through before, fear of being judged.And for a lot of people, it's fear of being controlled. And see, money is just a stage where those fears perform. It's not a great place to be. But here's another truth.When someone feels unsafe, they either get loud or they get quiet. I've seen this in my own life. You know the person I'm talking. Maybe you're that person. When you're starting to feel unsafe, what happens?You get tired? Quiet, or do you get loud? So maybe you have one person who pushes and the other person just shuts down.It's kind of funny how relationships work like that. It's not because one is right and one is wrong. It's because both are protecting something.And listen, I've worked with many couples that have worked through this. Couples who deeply loved each other but felt completely stuck around money. I'm talking about, they loved each other like amazing love.I mean, when it came to money, it was a mess. And I've seen something again and again. When couples stop trying to win and they start trying to understand, the whole tone changes.Now, listen, it's not going to happen overnight. If you think I'm going to listen to Ralph's episode and everything's going to be solved, it's not going to work. But over time, it starts to soften.And that softness matters in the long term. I'll never forget I once spoke with a couple who said, we fight about spending all the time, Ralph.And they came in, they sat down with me, and in Mind. They thought it was a math problem. They thought, ralph's got a solution. Ralph's the money guy. He'll figure this out.But as we talked a little bit, it became clear it wasn't about math. It was about meaning. I'll never forget, one partner heard, you're irresponsible, and the other partner heard, loud as day.Now, neither of them had said either of these things. You don't trust me. It was the same argument, but two different fears.And when we named those fears out loud, the volume dropped right away, and it wasn't instant, but enough to begin healing. See, friends, sometimes the breakthrough is this. You stop debating the receipt and you start talking about the heart.So here's today's central question. What's really underneath your money? Disagreements. Because that's what we got to answer today.Because once you see that, you can actually work on it not as enemies, but as partners working for that same goal. So let's walk through this gently today. Most couples fight about three surface things. That's what I think this is. We can encapsulate the whole thing.They fight about spending, they fight about debt, and they fight about priorities. That's the three main surface things. That's the surface things. Notice I said surface.But underneath those, there are usually three deeper forces, and they're this fear, story, and safety. So we got to unpack those. It all starts with fear. What if we don't make it? One person may fear instability because they grew up with scarcity.Who knows where they came from, but they've lived through those layoffs. They've watched bills pile up before, so when money feels uncertain to them, their body goes into alert mode. They've seen this before.They've seen this play out before. They don't just want a budget. They want safety. And when they don't feel safe, they can sound controlling. But, friend, often it's not control.It's fear wearing a mask. Then let's talk about story, because story gets important here. What does this mean about me? See, money carries messages.A purchase can feel like disrespect. A question can feel like an accusation. You ever known somebody, they question you feel like you're being accused.And a we need to cut back conversation can really feel like they're shaming you. So the argument naturally comes, you don't value me. Or if you don't trust me, I can't do anything right.And, friend, if you've ever felt that you're not crazy, because money touches your identity, and it normally leads to safety. Can we talk without getting hurt? And this is the big one. If money talks, become sarcasm and stonewalling and eye rolling and scorching.Boxing, if you will. Then your brain learns this. This topic isn't safe. That's what it learns. That's what you're slowly learning.And once the topic isn't safe, you stop solving problems and you start protecting yourself. You put yourself up right. So now you're asking what fixes it. Well, guess what? It's not a perfect budget. I'd love to tell you it was a perfect budget.I'd love to tell you it's a strict rule thing. But that's not what does it. The first step is finding safety, because safety is what makes honesty possible.And when honesty, it makes unity possible. So here are three gentle repair tools that you can start using today. See, I promised you I'd give you something today. Here's tool number one.Start with softness. Start with. Instead of, you always spend too much. How many times have you heard that? Try this. Can we talk for a minute? Because I'm feeling anxious.You notice I use the word we and I'm. And instead of, you never tell me anything. How many times you've heard that? You never tell me anything. Try this. I want to understand.Can you help me see it? Notice I use I help me. Because friends, see, sometimes softness lowers the defenses. So start with softness. Here's tool number two.Name the feeling, not the failure. This one is so critical. Instead of, you're irresponsible. As soon as you say that, guess what? A defensive person, they're shutting down. Try this.I'm scared we don't have enough. Or I'm scared we won't have enough. See how different that is? Instead of you're controlling again, you're shutting the conversation down. Try this one.I feel boxed in and I need breathing room. You notice I use the word I twice in that sentence. See, that's honest and it's safer. And here's tool number three.And this one, I think, is the biggest one of them all. You've got to build a shared why. See, most couples argue about the what, what did you spend? What Bill is late. What are we doing here?But there's no unity in that. Unity comes from the why of this. Why do we want stability? Why do we want to get out of debt? Why do we want margin?And see, when you share a why, you stop fighting each other and you start fighting for that same future. You start fighting for that why. So let me say this clearly unity doesn't mean you agree on everything.You didn't hear me say that today there are going to be disagreements that are just going to be disagreements, but it means you choose the same direction even if you walk differently. Getting there. But let's ground this in scripture today.Let's look at the Book of Amos, chapter three, verse three, do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? See friend, agreement doesn't mean perfection. It just means alignment. It means things like this.We're all on the same team, we're headed in the same direction. We're not pulling apart. And see, money can be a place where you can practice agreement one calm conversation at a time.So here's your simple step for today. I don't want you to do some big overhaul. I just want you to make one small move towards connection. Here's what I want you to do.Schedule a 15 minute money check in with your spouse or partner within the next seven days.Put it on the calendar and in that meeting, I don't want it to be some grand agenda of we're going to cover this, this, this because you're going to shut them down. Two questions you need to ask. What's one money thing that we've been stressing you on lately? What's been stressing you lately?That's question number one. Question number two, what's one small step we can take this week to feel more stable?You notice I said we can do things that we've been stressing about and what's one small step we can take? That's it. This isn't a time to lecture. This isn't a time to debate. This isn't a time to post all your issues and start castigating this person down.Just listen more than you speak. Take it in. The goal is not to solve everything. The goal is safety, building connection and then we can look for solutions later.So just try that 15 minutes this week and just answer those two questions. Lord, thank you for the relationships you've placed in our lives. You see the tension, you see the misunderstandings.You see the fear underneath of it, Lord. So bring unity when money has brought division. Give us honesty without harm. Give us grace without avoidance.Help us speak gently, help us listen patiently and help us move forward together. We ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. If money conversations feel heavy, you don't have to carry that alone anymore. I want to encourage you.Come join us in our community at financiallyconfidentchristian.com/join. That's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/join and here's what I hear from people inside.Somebody said, ralph, I finally found a place where I can talk about money without feeling judged. It's no shame, no embarrassment. No, you should have known better. Just a safe community where people learn simple steps and get encouraged with grace.And you are so welcome there, friend. Friend. Money doesn't have to divide you with patience, with honesty, and with grace, it can actually bring you closer.Even if you've had hard conversations before. You can start again today. Just one gentle check in, just one honest sentence, just one moment of listening.Now, tomorrow we're going to continue on this. We're going to talk about opposites attracting and what do you do when you're a saver and narrow spender? So I see this all the time as well.Gonna be a great episode tomorrow. And if today helped you, I wanna encourage you, share it with a couple who needs it.Maybe you know that couple right now feels like they're always fighting about money. Share this episode with them. Let's. Let's spread this good news that there is a hope in this. Because this show's not about financial shame.It's about building wisdom, staying steady, being anchored in God, and truly becoming a financially confident Christian. God bless you, friend, and make sure you come back and join me on tomorrow's show.