How Can I Set Loving Boundaries When Family Keeps Asking for Help?

Speaker A00:00:37

Have you ever seen a family member's name pop up on your phone and instantly your stomach just tighten? You already know what the conversation's about. They need help again. And honestly, you feel split in half.Part of you wants to be generous, but part of you is thinking, I don't know if we can survive this. And then the guilt shows up. You think to yourself, if I say yes, I feel anxious, and if I say no, I feel ashamed.So on today's show, we're going to talk about how to set a boundary that is loving, biblical, and, yes, financially responsible without wrecking your own peace. Going to be a great show today. Hello, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.Welcome to financially confident Christian, where every day we work to break the cycle of financial shame and live in confidence. And today we're talking about something that's hard to talk about and that's setting loving financial boundaries with family.Let's get right to today's listener question. Listener writes this. Ralph, a family member keeps asking for financial help. And honestly, I feel completely torn.I want to be generous and I want to be supportive, but I'm genuinely scared it's going to sink my own household. I feel guilty every time I think about saying no. How do I set a boundary that's loving and doesn't wreck me with guilt?I want to clean heart about this, but right now I just feel trapped between loyalty and survival. I say, raise your hand if you've ever been in this position. I've been in it a few times myself. It's not easy.And, you know, I went back to that thought of, I see their name pop up on my phone because nobody knows numbers anymore. We all see each other's names pop up, and we're like, oh, here we go again. So the big idea today is generosity without boundaries becomes resentment.We got to start there, because if you don't set boundaries, I work with a counselor. One time he said to me, he said, ralph, you know what your problem is? I had a lot of problems. First one was, ralph, learn how to set boundaries.Because when you don't set boundaries, you just live in this constant state of resentment. But let's talk practical how to do this. First thing you've got to do is you've got to clarify your household responsibilities first. Yes.You got to be a little selfish here because scripture is clear. If anybody says to you, ralph, wait a minute, go to scripture. You're responsible for your household first.That means you got to worry about your housing and your food and your bills and your Savings and yes, your stability. And if something, if helping someone else threatens your own foundation, that's not generosity, that's instability.And I found this quote, I thought this was perfect. You can't pour from an empty account.You ever have anybody over to dinner and you want to give everybody some water and you go to pour a glass of water, there's nothing left in the jar. Well, guess what, they're not getting any water. And if you don't have anything in your account, you can never help somebody else.But you're thinking, okay, Ralph, how do I do that? Here's one way you can do that. Decide in advance what you want to give, what you can give. Don't decide in the moment.I don't know about you, but emotions for me make bad financial policies. How many times have I been out somewhere and emotionally I was feeling down. Hey, I had that this weekend.I was feeling kind of down, was having some situations at home. And I got online and started to spend a little bit and I thought to myself, wait a minute, my emotions are making bad financial decisions?What works the same way in this regard? So maybe every year you set a dollar amount you can give. This year. Now you notice I use the word give.I'm not one of those people that thinks you should loan to friends or family members. Maybe you create a rule, we only give once per year. Hey, good luck. Here's your choice. You got this choice. Maybe you say you don't loan money.I tell you what, that's my personal mantra. I don't loan money to anyone. We only give what we can afford to lose.And when you pre decide that boundary, you're not rejecting them, you're honoring your policy. You're worried about yourself first because maybe they're going to need help down the road. Well, you can't help them if you're broke yourself.But you've also got to separate help from rescue. There's a huge difference. A lot of people don't understand this nuanced difference, but it's different. Help supports effort.When somebody's helping themself, that help is something that's supporting an effort. They're doing rescue. That just removes the responsibility. You see the difference there? It's nuanced, but there's a difference.Help supports the effort. Rescue removes that responsibility. Ask yourself this, this person reaching out to you, is this a temporary hardship or is it a repeated crisis?How many times have you, like I said the beginning, you see that name come up. This isn't a one time thing. This Isn't a one off, as they say. This is every month or every couple months.Because sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is not fund a pattern. Counselors talk about enabling. If you love somebody, you don't enable them.If this person's constantly making bad financial decisions, it's putting them here, you helping them. You're not helping them, you're enabling them. You're not making them make those difficult decisions.One of the other things I'm going to encourage you to do is use calm, clear language. And, you know, if you have to script this out ahead of time, that's okay.This is a skill you're going to have to learn because maybe you've been a wet carpet, you've been a walking mat for so many people your entire. You might be saying, like, ralph, I'm helping everybody out, but I can't help myself. I can't save.I had a lady in not too long ago, was trying to save for retirement, but she was helping this son and this daughter, and she wasn't able to do anything for herself. It's okay to say we love you, but we can't financially support this right now. If they don't want to talk to you anymore, guess what?They didn't love you in the first place. They're not your friend. Maybe you say something. Look, we're committed right now to focus on stabilizing our own household this year.You see, Notice the two things I said there. Not anger, not how dare you ask me to borrow money. Not an apology. Don't ever apologize to somebody for not helping them if you can't.And don't over explain either. That clarity in that is actually kindness. I would love somebody to say to me, ralph, you know what?I know you asked for help, but I can't do it right now. Hey, at least I knew the answer. But now let's get back to the question. Because one of the things you mentioned in your question was guilt.And I feel that too sometimes. I've had family members reach out to me and I felt guilty about it. I was like, oh, this person's really struggling. I'm not. God has blessed me.One of the things that I think you can do is replace guilt with prayer. And I think the reason that guilt comes around is because so many of us confuse generosity with obedience. God doesn't call us to give under pressure.Hey, Scripture itself says God likes a cheerful giver, not an under pressure giver. He calls us to give from conviction. And you can pray for those things you can pray for the people that need help. Encourage them.Maybe you don't give them money. Help them look at their resources. Help them write a resume. Help them build a LinkedIn profile, whatever that looks like for you.Help them build some skills. But just remember this. In the end, you're not their provider. You're not their savior. That's God's job. And we got to give that to him.So I want to encourage you right now. Remember this. Boundaries, protect, love. So here's your win for today. I want you to write your financial family boundary, just one sentence.I encourage every listener and viewer to write this down. We will give up to X number of dollars per year. Or maybe you just make a bold statement. We don't loan money. Put it in writing.Put it where you'll see it. Because that clarity will create peace in your life. Let's get right to today's Bible verse comes to us from Second Corinthians, chapter 9, verse 7.It says each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion. For God loves a cheerful giver, right? There it is. See, God honors generosity that flows from conviction and peace, not from pressure and guilt.It would be real easy for God to say, you better give me your money. You better do it. But you don't hear God saying that. The Lord says each of you should give what you've decided in your heart to give.We got to look at this the same way. Not reluctantly, not under compulsion. Let's pray together, Lord, right now you see how torn my friend feels? Yes, they want to love well.They want to help. But they're afraid of damaging their own home and their own peace. So give them wisdom to set these healthy boundaries we talked about today.Give them courage to speak clearly, Lord, and just wipe away and remove that false guilt that doesn't come from you. Protect their household, protect their relationships and help give them peace, not pressure in this time. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Friend.I want to assure you of something. You can be generous and wise at the same time. You truly can.And if you've ever encountered a situation like that, you're like Ralph, hey, I've been here, I've done this. I got a great way or a great story I could share. Maybe you've got a question of your own. I would love to hear your voice.You can go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail. You could be a part of the show.We'll put a link in the show notes but again, it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail and it's super easy to go. There is click a button that says record. I would love to hear from you. Well, thank you so much for joining me today.As I always say, stay financially savvy, protect your boundaries out of love. May God bless you. And you have a truly great day today.