What Do You Do When You’re a Saver, and They’re a Spender?

Speaker A00:00:00

One of you saves every penny, checks the account every day, plans ahead, and worries about the future. But the other one spends more freely, enjoys life, trusts. Things are going to just work out. And somehow, who knows why you ended up together.So, friend, if you've ever thought, how do we get so different about money? You're not alone and you're not broken. You're just two people trying to feel safe in two different ways.And today we're going to talk about how to make that work. Because, yes, there is a way to make that work. So here's the question we're answering today. What do you do when you're a saver and they're a spender?And here's my promise.By the end of this episode, you're going to understand why this dynamic is actually really common, why each site is really protecting, and how to move from constant tension to balance respect and peace. Today isn't about labels. It's not about blame. And guess what? It's not about who's right. It's just about clarity and hope. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr.Here.Welcome to Financially Confident Christian, where we learn how to walk through life and money with wisdom, with peace, and with a heart anchored in God's truth.My mission on the show is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and build steady habits rooted in faith and become financially confident Christians. And I am so glad you're here today. Yesterday, we talked about why couples fight about money. We talked about fear and miscommunication.And honestly, we talked about different expectations. And today builds right on top of that, because one of the most common patterns in relationships, I see this one almost once or twice a week.It's the saver versus the spender. And friend, I want you to breathe. This isn't rare. This isn't hopeless. It's just human.Because here's the question I hear all the time, Ralph, I'm the saver, they're the spender. How are we supposed to make this work? But friend, behind that question is usually a lot of frustration, isn't it? And a lot of fear.Because money doesn't feel like math when you're living in it. It feels like security. So if you're the saver, you might feel anxious every time money leaves you Catholic home. And we are spending money like crazy.And you're not trying to be controlling, you're just trying to feel safe. But maybe you're the spender and you might feel criticized for wanting to enjoy life. Why is every time I spend something that Give me a hard time.I'm not trying to be reckless. I'm just trying to feel free, Ralph. And if you're both honest, both of you probably feel misunderstood.See, that doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed. It just means you're different. And differences need wisdom, not judgment. Here's something important to remember.Saver spender dynamics is incredibly common. And neither role is right or wrong. So those are the two things we need to understand. It's common. And guess what?Neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong. Problems don't come from the differences. They come from an imbalance. See, when saving becomes fear driven, it turns into tight fists.And when spending becomes avoidance, it turns into denial. But when both are healthy, savings looks like stability and spending looks like joy. Don't you want that?And friend, you actually need both of those things. And I've worked with many couples just like this, just like you are today.Couples who thought if they would just make more like me, everything would be fine. But here's the thing you're going to understand. Peace didn't come from trying to change each other.Peace came from understanding each other and building a simple system that honored both people. A system that worked for both of you. I never forget I once talked with a couple who said, we argue about money constantly. They sure did.Let me tell you right now, I got to know them pretty well. And here's what the savior said, Ralph, I'm just trying to protect us. He doesn't get it. I'm just trying to protect us.And then the spender said, I just want to enjoy life, Ralph. I just want to enjoy life. I don't know how long I'm going to live. And friend, let me tell you right now, neither of those was wrong.They were just talking past each other. They weren't fighting about dollars, they were fighting about needs. They're fighting about safety.And at the bottom of it, they are fighting about freedom. And once we named that, yeah, I put on my counselor hat, the tension softened and they stopped trying to win and they started trying to balance this.So here's today's central question. How can your differences become a strength instead of a source of conflict? Because that's really the answer.Because when you learn to do this, well, let me tell you right now, your relationship gets steadier and is never going to be perfect, but it gets steadier. So let's walk through this together. I'm going to give you a simple three part approach. It's what I call honor. Align and build starts with honor.Honor's what each person brings. Let's name the strengths. Here's what savers often bring. Savers are definitely people who plan.Generally they're disciplined, they believe in security and they've got great long term thinking. Now spenders bring along these things. Generosity, enjoy. And flexibility. And hey, ability to live in the moment.And friend, a healthy home needs a balance of both of those things. But here's the danger. When you only honor your own style, when you only live in your reality, your spouse starts feeling like they're the enemy.And when you honor the other person's strength, you stop trying to fix them and you start learning how to partner with them. Because that's the key. So try this simple sentence. I can see how that matters to you. Write this down because it's so important to know this.I can see how this matters to you. That sentence is powerful because it creates safety. We got to start with safety. Second thing is align. You got to align on shared priorities.This is where most many and many couples get stuck, to be honest with you. They argue about spending, but they've never agreed on what matters the most in the first place. So here's the common question.It kind of goes back to what we talked about yesterday. What are we trying to build together? What are we trying to work on together? What's our why? Is it living a debt free life? Is it a more peaceful month?Is it building that savings cushion? Are you trying to have a home, a future with less stress?See, friend, when you share a goal, you stop fighting each other and you start fighting together for the future. See, Unity isn't agreeing on every purchase. That's never going to happen. But unity is choosing the same direction, which leads me to this.Build a system that protects both people. It needs to be a win win. See, this is where peace shows up. It doesn't show up in lectures. It shows up in structure. And the best structure is simple.And I'm going to give you three pieces that I recommend. A bills and basics plan, a savings plan, and a fun money that's agreed upon plan. Just three things. Bills and basics, savings and fun money.Now, because funding money isn't childish, I feel. Oh, that's just child. No, that's relief for the spender. That is what, that's what fuels their tank.See, when the spender knows there's room to enjoy, they stop feeling trapped. And when the saver knows the bills and the savings are covered, guess what? They don't feel panicked anymore.So what does this look like maybe it's a set amount each. Each person can spend without asking permission? I think this is a great thing. This is one of the things I counsel couples on all the time.Each person should take a certain amount that they can spend without asking permission. Look at your budget and carve that out and then you have a weekly check in. That's common short. Here's what's going on.Here's what our margin is, here's the bills we gotta pay, and maybe a rule that says this. Anything over X dollars gets a quick conversation going to prevent a lot of problems, set that number aside. Maybe it's $25, $50, just make that.Because, see, that works for both parties. That's not about control. That's teamwork. And here's the most important part. The goal is not to make the spender a saver.A lot of people say, well, I've got to convince my husband that he needs to be a saver. And the spender thinks, I've got to convince my wife that she needs to be a spender. That's not what we're talking about.And it's not to make the savor loosen up. The goal is to build a plan that protects peace for both of you. Because we go back to this, you love each other deeply, but you still need structure.That's just normal relationship.Which leads me to today's Bible as it comes to us from the book of Romans, chapter 12, verse 18, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. See, friend, peace doesn't mean you agree on every detail. That's not what Paul was saying here.Peace means you choose humility, you choose to listen, and you choose unity over winning. And when it comes to money, that's a holy decision. Because money can tempt us to control and can also tempt us to escape.But God invites us to something bigger. He wants us to walk in peace and he wants us to do it together. So here's your simple step for today. Just one thing.I want you to write down one strength your spouse or your partner brings to money management. See what I did there? I turned it around. I want you to write down one strength that your spouse or partner brings to money. Magic.Even if you're frustrated right now, even if it's already like Ralph, they don't have any strengths. I guarantee they've got one. Just name it, acknowledge it, and then say one sentence to them. This week, now this, you might have to bite your tongue.It might be hard to say this. I appreciate that you, whatever that strength is, I appreciate that.You see, friend, gratitude softens tension and that respect will open doors of communication. Lord, thank you for creating us uniquely. Thank you that different personalities can become a gift, not a problem.Help us to honor each other's strengths. Lord, give us humility, give us patience. And Lord, give us peace.Teach us to build unity with kindness and honesty and bring healing where money has caused tension. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Friend, you don't have to guess your way through this anymore.If you want guidance that feels steady and grounded and anchored in God's truth, I've got the solution. And it's in a book that I just released. It's called how to Become a Financially Confident Christian. It was a passion project of mine.It's for people who've tried everything and still feel overwhelmed. It's where hope meets action. And I want to encourage you to check it out today.Go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/becoming that's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/becoming and get a copy of my book today. Friend, your differences don't have to divide you anymore.With respect, with communication, and with some shared boundaries, they can actually balance you. And you don't need to fix your spouse. You don't need to become someone else.You just need a plan that honors both of you and honors both of your hearts. And tomorrow we're going to build on this. We're going to talk about money talks, how you can have a healthy financial conversation with your partner.Because that's really what we're talking about. It's how to develop that communication.So if this episode has helped you, I want you and share with somebody else who's married to the opposite person. A lot of people out here like, I recognize this person. I'm going to share this episode with them because this show is never about financial shame.It's about walking in wisdom, staying steady, and becoming a financially confident Christian. God bless you, friend, and don't forget to join me again tomorrow on the show.