How Do I Set Money Boundaries Without Guilt?

Speaker A00:00:00

Your phone buzzes and you already know what it's about. Your chest tightens before you even open it up. Yeah, you love them, but you feel that pressure. Let me ask you this.Do you have a hard time telling people no? Is the idea of setting boundaries just make you feel completely uneasy? Some of the most expensive words in your life might be. Sure.Okay, I'll figure it out. You say yes while your stomach tightens. You say yes while your budget breaks. And you say yes while resentment quietly grows.And then you feel guilty for even wanting to say no. Friend, if you're exhausted from funding everyone else's life while yours feels fragile. Today's about freedom, not selfishness. Hey, friend.Ralph Estep Jr. Here. This is financially confident Christian. My goal in this show is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and truly live with confidence.And today's topic is all about confidence. It's how to set those money boundaries without feeling guilty. Well, let's get right into today's listener question. Ralph.I keep saying yes to everyone. Lending money, covering bills, even buying things I can't afford because I'm terrified of letting people down.But now I'm burned out, and honestly, I'm resentful, and I can't keep doing this. How do I actually say no without ruining my relationships? I need boundaries that don't make me feel like I'm abandoning the people I love.That one's heavy. Is it? I think all of us have probably been in that position. So I want to just reassure you with something right now. Boundaries are not rejection.So many people think a boundary. I'm just telling them no. No. Boundaries are there for your protection. I'll tell you about a story.I have a client, and she comes to see me every year to get her taxes done. And the thing that really bothers me about her, she's got an adult son that she's still supporting.And this poor lady is still working because she honestly can't afford to retire. She's so focused. And I get it. She loves her son, but she can't afford to take care of herself because he refuses to work.And maybe right now you're feeling that same kind of pressure. So today we're going to talk about how do you create those boundaries for yourself and break this feeling of constant guilt?The first thing you've got to do, you've got to separate generosity from obligation. So many people get stuck here. There is a difference. Generosity is a choice. You choose to be generous. You choose to give somebody something.But obligation for so many of us, as soon as we hear that word, it just feels like pressure. Pressure that I feel obligated. If you give because you want to bless someone, that's healthy, that's generosity.But if you give because you're afraid of conflict, or maybe you're afraid of rejection, that's fear, that's obligation. What does the scripture tell us? It says God loves cheerful giving. He never commanded anxious giving.And you're probably saying, great, Ralph, sounds good. But how do I get to this point? Well, you've got to decide your yes in advance. This is where we really lean into boundaries.And the truth is, what I have found in my own life, boundaries are so much easier when they're pre decided. When you have a plan, for example, I love this boundary. I've had many clients that have done this, many friends who have done this.They say to me, ralph, every year in January, I write down on a piece of paper, I can lend up to X amount of dollars per year. Now I gotta be honest with you, I don't like the idea of lending.I think if you're lending to somebody, you're a bank, I think it's better to just give them something so maybe you change it for you. You say, I can give up to X number of dollars per year. That's your internal, your internal charitable organization.Maybe you say things like this, listen, I don't lend money, but I can sure help you with groceries. I'm not going to co sign for your loan. I can help you buy some food. I can help you find a place to stay for a night or two.And when you decide that ahead of time, you don't have to negotiate under pressure. Because that's the problem. We find ourselves under pressure. So many times somebody puts us on the spot.And those pre decisions, they just reduce that guilt. But when you do find yourself in that position, you got to use calm, clear language. You don't need to create a speech.I'm not by any means suggesting you have this preamble of how you're going to handle that. But try some things that. And maybe you write these down. I think that's healthy. Maybe say some things like, I'm not able to do that right now.You're not telling them you're never going to do it. You're just saying, listen, to be honest with you, I can't do that right now. Or maybe you say something like, that's not something I can commit to.Many times have we over committed ourselves because we felt like we were under Pressure. It's okay to say, listen, I can't do that right now. I don't have the bandwidth for that.You know, there are times when you just got to say, somebody, I care about you, but I can't help financially. You notice what's missing there? Not one time did I over explain it. I didn't talk about my budget. I didn't talk about any of those things.You don't owe them an explanation. Because what I have found is the more you justify this, the more you invite debate.And when you invite debate, they're going to make you feel guilty, they're going to make you feel pressured, and they're going to make you feel fear. Just keep it kind, keep it clear and keep it short because you're protecting yourself. But with all that said, you gotta expect some discomfort.Especially if you've been doing this for a while. It's not gonna be a disaster. But yes, it might be a little uncomfortable at first.Saying no may feel uncomfortable for you, but that discomfort is not cruelty. And yes, sometimes a relationship shifts. You might have somebody doesn't want to talk to you anymore, okay?But if it's truly a healthy relationship, it's going to survive these boundaries, those unhealthy ones, they depend on those access to you and your worst moments. And that's important information because you got to remember what you're actually protecting.And this might sound a little bit sort of unusual for me to say, but you got to protect yourself. When you set healthy money boundaries, you're not just protecting yourself, you're protecting your marriage.I don't know how many times I've seen partners in a marriage have a battle because this one was helping out this one, or this one was helping out this one. Happens with children all the time. You're protecting that with boundaries. You're protecting your peace. Your peace matters. You got to live in peace.You're protecting your savings. You work so hard to build up that savings. Don't give it to somebody who doesn't need it. You need your savings and you're protecting your future.And when you can do all of those things, you're actually protecting your ability to give wisely later. Because you're protecting you and you've got to protect you. Burnout doesn't make you generous, stability does.Because good boundaries today create massive generosity tomorrow. So let me leave you with this. You can love people without funding everything. Here's your win for today.I want you to write one boundary sentence today. And then I want you to practice saying it out loud to yourself. For example, I love this one. I care about you, but I can't help financially right now.Yes, I care about you, but I can't help financially right now. See it calmly, but see it confidently and let it become natural. Let's get right into today's Bible verse.It comes to us from the book of Proverbs, chapter 4, verse 23. Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. So what is scripture telling us today?It tells us that guarding your heart includes protecting your financial peace. One of the things you mentioned in your question today was resentment.When you guard your financial peace, resentment doesn't grow and it doesn't replace love. How about we pray together, Father? God, you see how hard it is to say no.You see the fear of disappointing people, the fear of conflict and that fear of being misunderstood. So Lord, right now I ask that you would give my friend courage. Lord, help them to guard their heart. Help them to guard their peace.Help them to guard their stability, Lord. Help them to guard their future. And teach them to give from wisdom, not from pressure. And let their boundaries be rooted in love and not pride.And Lord, strengthen their relationships through honesty and through clarity. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. Boundaries don't break love, they actually protect it.And if you've got a question for the show, I would love to hear from you. Go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question we'll put that in the show notes, but again, it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/questionthank you so much for joining me today. Stay financially savvy. May God bless you and you have a great day today.