How Do I Stop Using Spending to Soothe Myself When I’m Stressed?

Speaker A00:00:37

Stress doesn't just make you tired. It makes you reach. It makes you reach for something that feels like relief. Maybe a cart, a checkout screen, a treat yourself moment.And for a few minutes, it works. You feel calmer. But then that package arrives and the guilt shows up with it.So if spending has become your comfort when life feels heavy, hear me clearly. Today you're not weak. You're just human. And today we're going to build a pause that gives you a way out. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.Welcome to Financially Confident Christian. This is the daily show where we work to break that cycle of financial shame and help you live with financial confidence.And today's show is all about that confidence. And that's how to stop using spending to soothe yourself when you're stressed. Hey, listen, I get it. We're all stressed.Let's get right into today's listener question. Listener writes this Ralph I use spending to soothe myself. Everything feels like it's too much. It works.Temporarily gives me that little hint of relief. But then the guilt and shame are crushing. I'm so tired of this loop. How do I build in a pause that actually helps me make a different choice?I need something that stops me before I sabotage myself again. But I feel powerless in the moment. We could almost call this one dear powerless.And I think if we're being honest with ourselves, we've all kind of felt this at times. And we've heard people say, oh, you just need more willpower. But that's not the answer. You don't need just more willpower. You need a way out plan.See, spending the soothe is usually about one thing. Your nervous system is screaming, make this feeling go away. I felt that so many times. I just want to get past this feeling.So today, we're not just changing behavior. We've got to give your body a safer relief path. So here's a tool that you can use in real time. Let's get started right now.Here's the first thing you got to do. Name the moment you're feeling without judging it. Say this out loud. Yes, you're going to talk to yourself. Ralph said it's okay to talk to yourself.Say, I'm stressed and I want. Really? That's it. Don't insult yourself. Don't shame yourself. Don't say, I'm so stupid. Don't do that. Naming it lowers the intensity.And see, shame accelerates the purchase because you want to feel good again. But compassion for yourself, it slows it down. That's the first thing. Name it second thing, use the 10 minute soothe first rule.Before you buy anything non essential, you gotta soothe yourself first. Set a 10 minute timer. Now look, I've got a timer right here, right here in front of me. I think this is a great thing to have. Go buy one of these.Here's my timer here. You can use your phone. Phones are great for this. But when you feel that stress, when you feel that pressure, do one calming action. Maybe for you.You can drink a glass of water. I don't know about you, but it's hard to feel upset when I'm drinking a glass of water. I love taking a short walk.I go walk around the farm and I check out the cows, talk to the cows sometimes and tell them what's going on. On my day, it's a great time to practice some slow breathing. You know, in for four and out for six. Step outside and feel the air on your face.And while you're doing that, pray one honest sentence. Lord, help me. It's okay to ask the Lord for help. And if you still want to make that purchase after 10 minutes, you can reassess that.But most of the time, and I'm speaking for me, the stress wave passes, which leads me to this. You got to ask yourself, what am I really needing? That's the big question right before you check out.Ask yourself, what am I trying to solve with this purchase? And I caught myself this weekend, I was sitting at the couch, we were watching a little TV in the evening, and I caught myself going on the Amazon.I looked at myself, wait a minute, I don't really need anything. And then I felt, I was feeling a little anxiety about something. But ask yourself, what am I really needing? Am I needing comfort?Am I looking for control? Maybe you need a reward. Hey, for me, I think it was more so a distraction. Maybe for you it's, maybe you want to feel seen.Maybe you're feeling lonely, and maybe it's just relief from pressure. But here's the thing you need to understand. Money can't heal pain. I wish that it could.I know some very wealthy people that think that money can heal pain. But guess what, it can soothe it for a little bit. But that pain comes back. But what, you can meet the real need in a healthier way.Let's talk about how to do that. Here's the best way you can do that. Create a replacement list that actually works.So when you're feeling that stress and you're like, wait a minute, Ralph, I got this going on right now. You gotta have Options ready. Before that stress hits, I'm gonna encourage you to make a short list that I call Relief without regrets.It's really that simple. Just relief without regret. Put five items on it. And these five items are different for everybody.I'm going to throw a couple ideas out there that I think would work. You can call or text one safe person. If you're feeling that need to buy, call your best friend and say, hey, listen, I'm feeling that need again.Can you talk me off the ledge? One of the things we talk about sometimes on this show is do some personal care. Take a shower, reset yourself.Just the water run over you a little bit. Hey, one of the things that I encourage you to listen to some worship music.And while I'm there, did you know one of my other shows is called Truth Unveiled with Ralph and we release a Christian worship song every single week. We'll put a link to that in the show notes, but go listen to that or go listen to your favorite artist. It's a great time to journal.Write your journal about what you're feeling. Make tea and sit quietly. Have a tea party. Read one of the psalms. Psalms are great for this.Or as my massage therapist says, why don't we stretch for five minutes? Ralph, when that stress is rising, you can feel it. You don't figure it out, you gotta go to a list of here's what I'm gonna do when this happens.And finally, here's another idea. Add a friction step to your spending. One of the best ways you can conquer this is make impulsive path harder.If you feel impulsive, here's some things to do. These are great ideas. Somebody sent a couple of these into me. I'm going to share them right now. Remove saved cards from shopping apps.If you've got your credit card already stored on the shopping at, remove it for two reasons. Number one reason, it'll be a great pause. Number two, it protects your identity better. Just take them off of there.If you got to buy something, you're going to have to get up, go get your credit card, put your information in. See, that's friction. Maybe you need to unfollow some tempting accounts. If you've got accounts that are making you feel that, stop looking at them.Delete those store apps. Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to have a program where I delete the Amazon app or put that purchase on a 24 hour wish list.I've talked about that on the show before. Put it in the cart and say, listen, I'M not looking at this. Get the timer out. Set a timer for 24 hours. Chances are you won't even want it anymore.Here's another great idea. Create a fun money limit and keep it separate. Just put it into your weekly budget. I'm going to spend $10 on fun money this week.It's not about depriving yourself. It's about protecting yourself. Here's the thing I want you to hear. Relief is allowed. But regret, that's optional, my friend.So here's your big win for today. I want you to write your relief without regret list. Just five things. Put it on a note, put it in your phone. The win is not never spending again.The win is having a pause that gives you a different exit. Which leads me to today's Bible verse. This one is Perfect. It's from First Corinthians, chapter 10, verse 13.No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.I don't know about you, but I'm happy God gives us that because God promises a way out in the moment of pressure and this pause becomes part of that way out. How about we pray together, Lord God, you see the stress that all of us are carrying right now.You see how heavy it feels and how quickly we reach for relief. And we just thank you right now that you are faithful. And we thank you that you provide a way out for all of us.So in that moment of temptation, give us a pause, Lord. Give us clarity and give us strength. And replace the need to soothe with spending with peace that comes only from you. Heal the shame, Lord.Restore self control and surround us with comfort that doesn't cost us our tomorrow. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Friend, hear me on this. You're not powerless. God has given you a way out and it comes one pause at a time.And if you've got a question for this show, I would love to hear your question. You can go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question put that in the show notes, but I'm going to give it to you again.If you want to write it down, it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question. I would love to hear your question. So thank you for joining me today. As I always say, stay financially savvy.May God bless you and you have a great day today.