What Do I Do When My Spouse and I Can’t Agree on Giving?

Have you ever tried to talk about giving and suddenly it wasn't about generosity anymore. It was about control. It was about fear, security, and even trust. Yeah, one of you feels convicted about giving, but the other one just feels anxious.And now something that's supposed to bring joy is creating tension in your life. So, friend, if you and your spouse disagree about giving, you're not spiritually broken.You're navigating two hearts with two different histories and two different comfort levels. So today we're not choosing sides. We're building a bridge. Hello, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.This is Financially Confident Christian, where every day I try to help you break that cycle of financial shame and live in confidence. And today we're talking about a tough situation. And that's what to do when you or your spouse can't agree on giving.Let's get right to today's question. This was a great question we got today.It says this, Ralph, my spouse and I have completely different views on giving, and it's causing real strain in our relationship. I am tired of the tension and the arguments, but I also can't just let go.How do I start this conversation in a way that brings us together instead of pushing us further apart? I want to find common ground. But right now it just feels like we're stuck on opposite sides and I don't know how to bridge it.It's a lot of weight in that question. And I love what they ended with because that is the answer. That really the answer is how to build a bridge. Because here's the big idea for today.Unity in your relationship. That's what matters more than any percentage about giving. I want to say that again because you've got to hear that from the beginning.Today, unity in your relationship matters more than any percentage, because generosity without unity is going to damage the marriage. It's going to damage the relationship. Guess what? God cares about both of those things. So how do we make this work?Number one thing we've got to do, we've got to change the goal of the conversation. Listen, I've been married for 25 years. What I have learned is the goal is not to win the conversation.If your goal goes in with the idea that you're going to win something, the very nature of winning means someone else is losing. That is not a good thing for a relationship. The real goal needs to be to understand each other, understand what that person's feeling.I love to start with this sentence, help me understand what giving feels like to you. You gotta understand what they're Thinking what they're feeling. Because, see, sometimes resistance to giving isn't stinginess.I remember my wife and I were really big in going to church for a while, and my wife, she was a. She is a very generous person. I'm not like that by my very nature. But I needed to sit down with her and really talk about it. It wasn't about winning.It wasn't about, well, Ralph, I want us to do this. I want to do that. What. For me, the fear that I had was instability for her. She had a fear of trauma.She had grown up without enough, and she saw that, what that did in her, her family. So what we had to do first if we were going to get on the same page with this, and listen, I'm encouraging you the same thing.Understand the feelings the other person has. Because once you have that level of understanding, you're going to lower the defenses. You're going to make this work.Here's the next thing you've absolutely got to do. And this one is not easy. And that separate the theology from timing. Because truth is, most couples agree that giving matters.You may disagree on how much or when to give. So instead of debating doctrine, they'll say, we need to give. Yes, you're right, we need to give. But that's not the issue.Ask this question, what feels responsible right now? I'm talking about what's responsible based on the reality on the ground.Hey, if somebody just lost a job, if you're dealing with an unforeseen bill, it's okay to pull back. Because when you do this, you move the conversation from accusation.And that's a lot of times if you find yourself accusing the other person, you might as well stop the discussion right there. You're not going to get anywhere. Take a break, call a timeout, reconvene another time.But when you can get to the point of the of the discussion, it actually moves the stewardship. Here's my next pro tip. Start with a shared number. Not your ideal number.If one of the one of you wants to give 10% because you're like Ralph, but that's what the Bible says, I need the tithe. And tithing is 10%. Well, if your partner feels terrified by the thought of 10%, don't start at 10%. Start smaller.Choose a percentage or hey, maybe a flat amount. Hey, we're going to give $20 this week. Set up an amount that both of you can say yes to.Even if the other person say, well, that's nothing, $20 is nothing. Even if it feels modest because what you're doing is you're. You're coming up with an agreement that builds trust.And when you grow that trust, the generosity to grow, because the person can believe in what you're saying. But here's another thing I'm going to encourage you to do. Create a quarterly giving check in. Because you don't want to just set it and forget it.And instead of fighting every month, schedule a calm review. Maybe every three months, once a quarter, sit down and say, hey, are we feeling about this right now? Do we feel like we're doing okay?Could we do more? Ask yourself this. Is it stretching us in a healthy way? Listen, I'm going to take a little sidetrack here for a second.I honestly believe that giving should stretch us. I think the Bible speaks about that.But if it's stretching us to the point where we're breaking, if it's stretching us to the point where there's tension and anxiety, ask yourself, is it stretching us in a healthy way? And now at the end of the quarter, do we want to adjust this some? Is it time to make some moves either upward or downward?Because when we review this intentionally, it becomes a team decision instead of a tension point. And we don't want tension points. Here's my big takeaway for today. If you do nothing else, pray together before you decide what to do.Now, I know as a husband I'm speaking to men right now. It might feel a little awkward, but grab your partner's hand and say, let's pray about this. Even if it's just a short prayer. God help us agree.God, give us wisdom. God protect our unity. Here's what I found in my 25 years of marriage. Prayer softens posture. And that's what you really got to do.Because a softened posture changes the conversation. It just seems to work. But that's the beauty of prayer. Here's my encouragement for you today. Togetherness beats, right?So here's your single step for today. I don't want you to argue about the number today. I want you to ask this one question instead. What does giving feel like to you? And then be quiet.Just listen without interrupting. Don't poke and prod. Just ask the question, what does giving feel like to you? Just have that single conversation.Because what I have found, been working with couples and working on my own marriage for years, that single conversation, what does giving feel like to you? Can shift everything. Let's get to our Bible verse today. It comes to us from the book of Ecclesiastes. Chapter 4, verses 9 and 10.Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.See, marriage relationships are designed to be a partnership, not opposition, not a battle, not a he wins, she wins. Somebody loses in that. And that's especially true when you're trying to figure out how to steward your money together.We pray together right now, Lord, you see this marriage and you see the tension, you see the frustration, you see the desire to do what's right. So, Lord, right now I ask that you would bring unity where there's division. Replace that defensiveness with understanding.Replace that fear with wisdom. And Lord, replace tension with teamwork. Help them remember, Lord, at the very core they're on the same side. Lord, guide their decisions.Protect our hearts and let generosity grow from a place of unity and not pressure. And we ask this together in Jesus name. Amen, friend. Here's what I want to encourage you today. Protect the marriage first.Protect that relationship first, because generosity will grow much better from a place of unity.And if you've got a question for the show, just like today's question, I know it's a little bit deep today, but that's the kind of questions I love answering. If you've got a question, go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question. i'm going to give that to you again.We'll put it in the show notes, but it's super important. It's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question well, thank you so much for joining me today. Stay financially savvy.May God bless you and you have a truly great day today.