How Can I Support My Child’s Big Dreams Without Debt?

What do you do when your child's dream could become a lifetime of debt?On this episode, I want to talk to a parent whose daughter is set on a super expensive school, and she's torn between supporting her dream and warning her about the financial weight she might not fully understand. So today's question is this. How do you lead with love without staying silent about the cost? That's we're going to break down on today's show.Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.Welcome to Financially Confident Christian, where every day my goal is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and live in confidence. And today's topic is a tough one for any parent, and that's how do you guide your children's big dreams without leading them into debt?Well, let's get right into our listener question, and this one came in by voicemail.

Ralph My daughter has her heart set on an expensive school, and I feel torn in a way I didn't expect. I'm so proud of her for dreaming big and working hard, especially after everything she's been through.At the same time, I can see the rate of the debt she might be stepping into, and it honestly makes me anxious. I don't have the means to support her financially and I'm trying to guide her toward a wiser path, but she doesn't want to change her plans.I don't want to crush her dreams yet. I also don't want her to carry a burden she doesn't fully understand. How do I navigate this as a parent with both love and wisdom.

Yeah, this is a tough one. As I thought through this one. I have two boys I've mentioned on the show before, 24 and almost 29 now.And this is a conversation that's a really tough one because you see your child there, they've got these, these, these choice dream about. They want to go to this school and we're a little bit older and we can say, yeah, but that sounds good, but what about this?And that's one of those moments that's so difficult when you're a parent because you're trying to hold two things at the same time. And that's the impossible part of this. You're trying to hold that love for your child's dreams, but you're also concerned for their future.And both of those things matter and you're not wrong for feeling this tension. I'm so happy you sent in this question because this is a tension that so many parents feel.And wise parenting doesn't mean choosing between love and truth. It means holding both together. So let's talk about how do we make that happen? I think you've got to affirm the dream before addressing the cost.I think you've got to start there. Your daughter needs to feel seen. She's worked hard to get to this point.You got to appreciate her effort, her resilience, and her vision for the future. You don't want to stifle that. Maybe you start by saying something like, hey, I'm so proud of you. I see how hard you've worked for this.Because when she feels supported, she's more open to be guided. But if you start off with, this is so outrageously expensive, you can't afford to do that.And as a parent, it's easy to get to that point because we see the bottom line, we see the numbers. But if we start off with affirming where they are now, at some point, you've got to shift the conversation from that emotion to. To the reality.Because right now I think your daughter's decision is very emotional. She may have friends going to this school. This may be her. Her dream location, the dream where she always went to go.But you've got to gently bring this back into reality. And this is a delicate. You know, they talk about walking a tightrope. This is super delicate. It's a hard thing to do.But one of the things that I'm going to recommend you do is walk through the total cost of the school. What is this really going to cost? Not just tuition, but books, fees, living, meals, travel back and forth.A lot of people don't think about all those ancillary expenses. You got to really lay that out in black and white terms. And once you do that, then you've got to estimate the debt. You were very clear.You're not in a position to financially assist her. Now, I don't know exactly what that means.Maybe that means you can't afford to pay the full tuition bill, but maybe you're still going to help out with travel costs or room and board costs. So you really got to sit down and figure out what this is actually going to cost.A little pet peeve of mine, colleges have made it super simple for people to go into debt up to their heads. I mean, it's just so easy to do it because you don't think about how much this is going to cost.They break it down by class or they break it down by semester.And then you think, okay, well, if I'm going to be here for four years or five years, this is what it's going to cost to estimate what that looks like. But even bigger than that, and this is a step a lot of people don't think about. What is this going to cost you afterward?I'll give you a great example. When you go buy a house, one of the things that a lender has to give you is what's called a disclosure.They're going to say to you, hey, if you take this loan, here's what it's going to cost. I don't see anybody doing that in student loans. And I think that's a major problem. So this is an opportunity for you to do that.And I'm not saying that to scare her, but help her see the full picture. I have clients that are doctors. Their student loan payments are 3, $4,000 a month.Well, when you're first starting in a job, you might not be even making that much money. So set it out, lay it out there and help her then to understand the trade offs, not just the options. This is where we've got to grow some wisdom.It's not just this school or that school because your daughter's going to go to that emotional point. But mom, you want me to go to this school because this school's cheaper and I want to go over here.You've really got to lay out what that path looks like, what that journey looks like, because all those things come along with it. Every single choice has opportunities, it has limitations. And like you've alluded to, it's got this long term impact because you see it.Maybe you've got student loans, maybe you're still paying those student loans yourself or you know what it's like to see that, that, that debt around them. But that's where this learning can be part of the growth. But here's the thing, as a parent, this is the hardest part of that.You've got to come to full acceptance that yes, you can guide them, but you can't control them. I know in so many ways when my boys were younger, I had this opportunity. I'm going to take care of this. I'm going to show them what to do.Well, after I beat my head against the wall enough times, I realized, yeah, I can guide them, but I can't control them. So that's exactly where you are. You can explain things, you can support them, you can provide your perspective, but you can't decide for her.And that doesn't mean you failed as a parent. A lot of us take that internally, say, well, you know, she didn't make the decision that I would have made. That doesn't mean you failed.It means you've done your role. If you've laid out the options, if you've said, okay, here's your options. Here's the total debt you're going to take on.Here's the after payment debt you're going to have. These are payments you're going to make. You've done your role, which leads me to this. Just stay anchored in your role as a steady voice.Your role is not to eliminate every risk. I wish as a parent, as a dad, I'm going to be a grandfather here pretty soon.I wish there was a way for me to eliminate every risk for my children and my grandchildren, but I can't do that. But the role I can take on is I can be that steady voice, I can be that source of wisdom and I can be that support system.I can be that shoulder to cry on or that person that they go to. I love it when my boys call me and they say, dad, I've got this decision to make. What do you think I should do now? Honestly, I'm a problem solver.So for me, right from the jump, I'm like, okay, here's what you should do. But as I've gotten a little wiser, I've realized the best role for me is just talk them through it, to counsel them through it.And we have to accept it.Even if she chooses differently than you do, even when my boys may choose decisions that I wouldn't have made, the fact that your presence is there still matters. And I want to take this a little deeper because parenting decisions like this carry a lot of weight. I can sense it in your voice. I can tell.It's like you see the train coming, the track is shaking, the ground is rumbling, and you're like, I just want to protect them. I want to guide her. But your child's life is not yours to control. And I think as parents, we lose sight of that.It's ours to guide them, but it's theirs to walk. And we got to remember also in all these things, this show is about faith. God is guiding them too.So this is a great opportunity to just say to God, hey, God, help me guide with wisdom and release that trust to you. You're not failing as a parent. You're faithfully guiding through a hard decision. This is a very difficult decision with long term consequences.But I want to give you a win for today. Here's what I encourage you to do.Have one honest conversation, just one sentence, maybe Say something like, let's walk through this choice really, and what it really looks like together, that may be the little olive branch, because that clarity is going to help build better decisions. Well, let's get to our scripture verse today. We're going to go to Proverbs, chapter 22, verse 6.And I've used this on the show many times, and this is just absolutely brilliant for today. It says, start children off on the way they should go, and when they're old, they will not turn from it.As I said, your role is to guide and to teach with wisdom. And you just got to trust that those little seeds that you're planting are going to shape their future decisions.And I see that all the time with my kids. My oldest son will say to me, but Dad, I remember when I was 10 years old you told me this, and now he's living his life like that.It's those little seeds that's going to make an impact on the rest of their lives. How about we pray together? Heavenly Father, we lift up those who are guiding their children through important life decisions.And Lord, you see their love, you see their concern, and you see their desire to lead their children well.And I just said right now that you would give them wisdom in their words, patience in their conversations, and really peace in their role as a parent. Help them to speak truth with compassion and to trust you with what they really can't control.Guide their children's path and surround them with wisdom as they make their own decisions. And remind them always that none of us are alone in any of this. And you're working both in our hearts and our child's heart.And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. Guiding with love and wisdom matters more than controlling the outcome. That is just the truth for today.And if you're navigating tension like this with your own child, I would love to hear from you. You can go to our website at financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question.Whatever's going on in your financial world or your world with your children, if you want my guidance, I would love to hear from you again. That's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question. I just want to thank you so much for joining me today. Stay financially savvy.May God bless you and you have a truly great day today.