How Can I Set Financial Boundaries Without Losing My Friendships?

Speaker A00:00:00

Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no? You said yes to lending money, yes to that expensive dinner, yes to covering someone yet again.Not because you had margin or extra money, because you didn't want to look selfish. And then afterwards, you felt stressed, short, and you honestly had some quiet resentfulness. Well, let me tell you this, friend.Generosity without boundaries turns into bitterness. So today on the show, we're going to learn how to say no without losing your kindness or your friendships. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.This is Financially Confident Christian, where every day we're trying to break that cycle of financial shame and do it with confidence. And today's topic hits close to home for so many of us, and that's how to set those financial boundaries without losing friendships.Man, I can tell you this one hits close to home for me today. But I got this question and I said, this is perfect for the show. Listener writes this, Ralph.Every time a friend asks for financial help or wants to do something costly, I say yes because I don't want to seem like I don't care. But then I'm stressed. Honestly, I'm broke and bitter about it. I'm tired of this cycle, and I don't want to resent the people that I love.How do I say no in a way that's still kind and loving? I need boundaries, Ralph. But I'm scared of becoming someone who just doesn't help anyone. It's a lot of weight in that question.And I think about how much stress it's put on people. And I think of my own family, the own. My own interactions with people.So I want to start off by saying something rather bold, and that's boundaries protect relationships. They don't destroy them. We got to start there. Those boundaries are going to actually protect the relationship and not destroy them.Because what I have learned, friend, and you're hearing this, too, resentment grows when generosity outruns wisdom. Just think of it as a race. You got generosity on one side and wisdom on the other.If that generosity is always out in front, you're going to build resentment. And if you say yes to everything, and trust me, if you're a parent, you might understand where I'm going here. Saying yes to everything is not love.Many times it's done out of fear. You're so afraid you're going to disappoint somebody, you're going to lose that connection. Or maybe you fear you're going to be misunderstood.So on today's show, I want to build healthy courage to make this work in a healthy way where you can set a good boundary. The best way to do that. Number one thing, decide your limit before you're even asked. Because here's the problem.If you wait until the moment, emotion is going to make that decision for you. So before the moment even arrives. And listen in your life you are going to have these moments. Had it happen to me many times.Instead of being there, choose an advance. Maybe you have a monthly helping others fund. I know a lot of people that build that rent into their budget.Every month I am going to put aside a certain amount of money that is going to be done for helping others. Put that into your budget. Maybe you have a lending rule. Hey, one of the things that I say is I don't lend to friends at all.I can either give it to them or I don't do it at all. But lending doesn't work for me. And maybe have a spending cap for outings so that you don't get yourself into a position.Because when you have a preset boundary, when you have a plan in mind, that no is not rejection, it's actually clarity. The second step to this is you've got to separate helping from rescuing. A lot of us get torn up in that. We get mixed up in that one.Helping support someone's effort. It's okay to help somebody if they're helping themselves. You hear that all the time. Well, help yourself and I'll help you out. Sure, that's great.But rescuing by its very nature removes their responsibility. We don't want to do that. So ask yourself this, am I supporting growth or am I just delaying accountability? It's a tough question, isn't it?Because you can care deeply without carrying everything for everybody else. Here's another key component to this. You've got to use kind but firm language. This isn't the time to give some long drawn out speech.That's the thing, I think a lot of people do. When somebody asks, hey, can I borrow that? Can you loan me a couple dollars? They go into a three minute dissertation, some long speech.It doesn't work. It just makes you feel guilty. It makes the other person not understand where you're going. Try this instead. I love this one. I care about you.Start there. I care about you. But that's not something I can do right now. You see what I did there? You're reinforcing.I care about you, but I can't do that for you right now. That doesn't mean you'll never do it for them. Because maybe you Give them an opportunity to do something for themselves.Or maybe you say this, you know what? It's not in my budget, but I'd still love to spend time together with you. Just make it simple, make it honest. You notice both of those are kind.You're not required to explain your entire financial situation to everybody. You don't have to say to somebody, well, right now, things are tight for me. Honestly, it's none of their business.You can be firm, but you can be loving and do that. Now, while you're doing that, one of the things that I love to do is offer an alternative when it's possible.Maybe you can't afford a dinner out, but you could suggest a coffee at home or maybe a walk at the park or be a free game night. Maybe you're not in a place to lend money or. Like I said, I don't like to lend. I like to give.But if you can't lend money, maybe you sit down with them and help them brainstorm some options. Hey, did you think about this? Did you think about that? It could be something. They hadn't even thought about that. Pray with them.Take it to God and pray together. Hold hands and pray together. Help them build a plan. Because, friend, love isn't measured by dollars.It's measured by what you give to them with your heart, what you give to them with your time and your. And your efforts. And last but not least, you got to let their reaction belong to them. This is the hardest part. I've seen this in my own family.I've had a family member a couple years back sent me an email and said, ralph, I'm really struggling right now. I'm getting ready to get thrown out of my house. Can you lend me $2,000? I couldn't own that.And if someone pulls away because you set a boundary, that reveals something. As soon as I said, listen, I'm not in a position to do that, if you want me to help you figure out alternatives, I'm happy to do it.I got an email back that said, never mind. And when I got that, it told me a lot about that. Because the truth is, healthy relationships respect those limits.If it's a healthy relationship, the person will say to, you know what? I appreciate you considering that. Yeah, I'd love to take you up one. Let's get together, let's talk, let's brainstorm.But in the end, you're not responsible for managing everyone's feelings. Those are their feelings. You've set a boundary that protects you. It's okay to live in that boundary.Because what I have found is kindness without wisdom just creates resentment. You think you're helping them out, but you're not. You're just giving them kindness. But if there's no boundaries on that, it just builds resentment.So here's your one step for today, and I really want to encourage you to do this one break down one financial boundary you need to establish.You know, before we were starting the show, I talked with a friend of mine and she says, you know, Rob, this episode really hits me today because when I was younger, I used to always extend those boundaries, and my friends kind of took advantage of me and it built resentment. So today, write down that one financial boundary and then practice one sentence you'll use the next time you're asked that awkward question.Because here's what I've learned. Preparation builds confidence. Let's get right to our Bible verse today. It comes to us from the book of Galatians, chapter 6, verses 2 to 5.Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you'll fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something, when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions.Then they can take pride in themselves alone without comparing themselves to someone else. For each one should carry their own load. You know, I could do a mic drop moment at that one, couldn't I? Because what is Scripture teaching us here?It's teaching us both compassion and responsibility. Yes, we can help carry burdens, but in the end, Scripture tells us each person must carry their own load. Let's pray together right now.Father God, you are generous and you are wise. I want you to help my friend reflect on both of those things. Give them courage right now to set those healthy boundaries.Give them compassion without that feeling of guilt. And give them peace when they do say no. Lord, protect their friendships and remove resentment from their heart.And Lord, teach them that love does not require self neglect. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. You can be generous and grounded at the same time. You can do both things.And if you've got a question for this show, I would love to answer your question. We got some heavy questions this week, but they're all great questions.If you've got a question for the show, send it to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question we'll put that in the show notes, but again, it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question. I just want to thank you for joining me today.Stay financially savvy. May God bless you. And you have a truly great day today.