Nearly Half of Parents Have an Adult Child Back Home This Year. Am I Helping or Enabling?

Speaker A00:00:37

Nearly half of parents this year say an adult child has moved back home. Half. That's not a rare exception anymore. That's a documented growing trend.So right now, if your grown child is back under your roof or leaning on you financially, how do you know if you're helping or quietly keeping them from growing? And this isn't just your family. We got a great listener question today.This is happening across the country right now, but there's a real difference between a necessary season and an open ended arrangement. So stay with me and let's figure out what healthy help actually looks like in a year like this one.Hello and welcome to Financially Confident Christian. My name is Ralph Estep Jr. And I just want to thank you so much for joining me today. Today we've got a tough one to talk about.We've got a listener who sent me a question. They're financially supporting an adult child when we're seeing what we call boomerang living becoming the norm, at least in the United States.And her question is really straightforward. Should I keep helping? But when does helping become enabling? And how do I set an endpoint without damaging the relationship?And I'm going to tell you right from the jump, this isn't a personal parenting failure. This is a pattern showing up in households everywhere right now. So I'm going to give you some concrete answers to today's question.But maybe you've got a question, something you're trying to battle financially or some kind of spiritually financial joint question. I would love to hear that question. You can send it to me easily by going to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/questionWe'll put a link right in the show notes. But again, it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question Well, let's get right to today's question. Listener writes this.My son is 28 years old and moved back in with us about eight months ago after he fell behind on rent. At the time, I felt like the obvious loving thing to do. And honestly, I don't regret opening the door and letting him to live with us.But eight months later, he's still here, Ralph, and I'm still covering his phone bill and I'm helping him with his car payment. And there's no real conversation happening about when any of this changes.Every time I bring it up, even ever so gently, something else comes up and I end up just letting it continue.Now, Ralph, I saw a survey recently saying this is happening in nearly half of households with adult kids right now, which honestly made me feel less alone. But it didn't tell me what to do, actually, to make it different. Ralph, I love my son and I don't want him to struggle.But I've started wondering if I'm preventing him from learning how to stand on his own. So how do I know when helping becomes enabling? And how do I actually change this without a huge blow up? Thank you. Well, thank you for that question.This is a question I hear repeated all the time, because look at the statistics, 50%. And I'm going to tell you something right from the beginning. Helping your son isn't measured by how much money or space you give.It's measured by whether there's an actual plan moving towards independence. That's our goal here today. If you hear nothing else, I say today. The goal today is to help your son get to a point of independence.So I'm going to walk you through a plan that builds that without having a blow up. Or at least we're going to try. Number one thing you've got to do is you've got to name this as a season.If you've listened to me, you know I like to name things. Naming things puts them into context.This can't be some permanent arrangement, a real financial necessity like falling behind on rent, that does deserve compassion and a place to land. I think you've done a loving thing for that.But you got to be careful about that because an open ended arrangement with no target end date is a different situation. That is an enabling thing. And what the research has told us is most boomerang situations start from a genuine necessity.Someone lost a job, someone got behind on rent, there was a health emergency. The risk is in never revisiting that. And naming this season out loud is the first step to doing that.You got to come up with real terms and say, hey, this is a temporary crisis that deserves compassion, but an arrangement with no end deserves a conversation. Okay, so you're saying to me, rough, okay, but let's make this practical. Well, here's how you make it practical.You put an actual date or milestone on the table from the beginning before you let anyone move back in, adult children, whoever that is, set a specific timeline together. Maybe it's six months, maybe it's tied to a real milestone like paying off debt or building certain savings amount.But you've got to do that because that milestone gives both of you something concrete to work towards, not just some open door. Well, when things get better, you can leave. That'll never happen. It's never going to get better.And then I'm going to encourage you to revisit that date together so that you know where things are going. Because a plan without a date is just an indefinite arrangement. Wearing a nicer name. It's still a mess. A plan without a date isn't a plan.It's an open door. And open doors will cost you a lot of money.So once you've figured out, is this a real necessity, you've talked about what this plan is going to look like. You can't just leave it that you've got to help your son build skills, not just cover the bills. Enabling is when you just pay things.If you pay his phone bill, sure that's going to provide relief, but maybe the better answer is help him build a budget. Help him figure out how to make his end meet. Sit down together, look at his actual income and expense. I'm going to tell you a funny story.My youngest son would constantly come to us and say, hey, dad, I'm a little short right now. Can you help me? I'm like, yeah, I'll help you. But here's the thing. The first time I did this, I gave him a little money.The second time, he came to me and I said, okay, now we're going to get into the details. I said, give me your phone. And he says, dad, why do you need my phone? I said, I. I want to open up your bank app.And he goes, well, why do you need to see my banking app? I want to see where your money's going. And he says, well, why should I show you where my money's going? I'm like, well, you want my money?You want me to help you? If you want me to help you, I'm going to help you build a set of skills so that I'm not just covering your expenses.I'm helping you build wisdom to help you get out of the situation that you're in. The greatest gift you can give another person isn't making the payment for them.It's giving them a skill to help them get out of the situation they're in. But at the front end, another thing I'm going to encourage you to do is decide what he or she contributes while he's home.You got to build this into the model. You can't just expect them to move in and not pay anything.You got to build in a reasonable contribution towards household costs, even if it's a small one, for two reasons. Number one, you need the money. Number two, they're going to feel like they're not just mooching it's not going to be like a free pass.And I'm not telling you to go make a profit off your kids, but it's about maintaining dignity and shared responsibility on both sides. Now the thing you're going to have to do is you're going to have to agree together on what's fair at the beginning.This isn't a discussion you make six months into this. This is a discussion when you're having about, hey, you need to move back home. Let's have a discussion. Let's talk about what this looks like.Let's talk about a timeframe. Let's talk about your contribution. Because that mutual contribution changes the emotional tone of the whole arrangement.That share contribution protects both his dignity and your patience. But here's the thing a lot of adult parents don't get. You've got to protect your own financial foundation.I've seen this particular situation wreck the parents finances. I've seen them reduce their retirement contributions. I've seen them take on debt. Don't do that. Don't reduce your retirement contributions.Don't take on debt to cover their expenses. A large share of parents helping adult children have admitted it's already affected some part of their own finances.You can't continually rescue him while quietly sinking your own future.That stewardship I talk about on the show all the time begins at home, begins with your own foundation first, because you can't pour from a bucket you've emptied. That's just the truth of life.But I want to go a little deeper now because there's a particular kind of ache in loving your child and also feeling that quiet fear that your love, however well intended, might be part of what's keeping them stuck. And that tension is honest. And it doesn't mean you failed him. It means you're paying attention. Paying attention is all part of this.And our faith promises something.It promises that God gives parents wisdom to combine both grace with truth and that sometimes growth happens exactly where that comfort ends when it starts to get a little uncomfortable and but here's what faith doesn't promise us. It doesn't promise us that saying yes is always a loving choice.There may be a time when you have to say no or set some boundaries, some loving boundaries. I love what Galatians 6. 5 Says. It says, for we are each responsible for our own conduct.Now you might say, Ralph, you're taking that a little bit out of context there. But think about what it's telling us. Scripture holds both personal responsibility and genuine care together, not one. Instead of the other.If you've got a plan with a real date that's honoring both truths, it's honoring love and it's honor, responsibility, your child is going to figure out how to stand on their own. It isn't about withdrawing love, it's about aiming that love towards their growth.Because sometimes the most loving thing you can do is help someone become strong enough to stand on their own. Like I said at the beginning, it's all about independence. This isn't a personal failure.It's a documented pattern happening in households everywhere right now. So you gotta build that plan with a real date that's more loving than some open ended arrangement.Even though it feels harder to say it, helping your child grow is more loving than helping them stay comfortable. So here's today's win.If you're facing this same situation or you think you might face it, this is a great time to sit down with your child and set one specific milestone or date to revisit this arrangement. I think this is a weekly or a bi weekly or a monthly check in.Write down what they're going to contribute to the household in the meantime and schedule that conversation about the budget. You got to look. You're entitled to look under a hood. You're entitled to understand what's going on.You got to break down that open ended worry and build a plan that you're both moving towards. Which leads me to today's Bible verse. I've already mentioned it. It's Galatians, chapter 6, verse 5. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.Scripture teaches it very clearly, personal responsibility and mutual care. Not one at the expense of the other. Healthy help encourages maturity. It doesn't quietly extend dependence.You raised your children, you're past that series. You're past that point now. True generosity strengthens people rather than becoming a long term arrangement. No finish line.That's what you got to figure out. You got to figure out what does this finish line look like and how do we get there? How about we pray together right now?Heavenly Father, I just want to thank you for the gift of family and for this season that this lady's walking through with her son. Lord, right now I ask that you would give her wisdom and give her courage as she has this honest conversation with him.Help them build a real plan together. Help them to build a plan with grace and with a genuine timeline.And during the season, Lord, protect her own financial foundation even as she continues loving her child.Well, remove any guilt, Lord, and replace it with clarity about what's truly loving here bust their relationship as they move towards this season towards his own independence. And I ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. You're not alone in this.Like the statistics say, nearly half of parents are facing some version of situation right now. Maybe they're not moving in together, but a lot of people are sharing these expenses.Name that season, set a real date, build some shared contribution changes, and that will open the door into an actual plan where you can protect your own financial foundation while helping your child grow in both love and wisdom.So again, name the season, set that specific date, help them build those budgeting skills not to just cover the bills, but actually help them agree on a contribution from them and protect your own foundation while you help them find their own independence. Now, maybe you're suffering or you're dealing with a situation that you need help with. I would love to help you.One of the best ways you can reach out to me is record a voicemail message.You can do that by going to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail we'll link to that in the show notes, but again, that's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail thank you for joining me today. A little bit of a tough topic today, but it's one of those ones we had to talk about because there's a lot of people that are being affected by this.So as I always say, stay financially savvy. May God bless you, and you have a truly great day.