Are Your Parents A Financial Train Wreck?

Speaker A00:00:37

What happens when you slowly realize your parents may not be financially okay? Not someday. I'm talking about right now.In this episode, I talk with someone who can't stop thinking about where this is all heading after watching their parents sell their house, live out of a van for years and avoid talking honestly about money. Now from the outside, it looks like they're trying to make it work. But underneath is this growing fear and uncertainty and pressure.And the hardest part, they're starting to wonder if this eventually becomes their responsibility to fix. How do you carry concern for the people you love without lettingly quietly take over your life? That's what we're going to talk about on today's show.Going to be a great one today. Hello friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.This is financially confident Christian where every day my goal is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and live with confidence. Now we got a voicemail today that you are not going to believe.We're going to be talking today about how to handle stress about your parents financial future. So I want to get right in today's listener question.

Speaker B00:01:54

Ralph I'm losing it over this and I don't know what to do. My parents are in their late 60s with zero retirement savings and no jobs.They sold their house, moved to a new state and they've been living in a van for almost two years. A van trying to find a home they can afford while their savings drain faster every month. I know the money from the house sale is basically gone.I know it. But they won't actually tell me. The numbers won't be straight with me and I'm hours away. So I can't just show up and handle it myself.I'm watching this happen in real time and I can't do anything about it. It's infuriating. Every time I think about them in that van, I want to scream. I lie awake thinking about how we got here.How does this happen to your own parents? Why won't they just tell me the truth so I can actually help? How do I even handle this? How do I stop feeling like I'm failing them?I really need your help, Ralph.

Speaker A00:03:09

Yeah, this is a tough one. When I heard this voicemail the first time, I don't.I don't just listen to these the first time when we go to play them on the show and I heard this one and my heart broke for this person. And when she said I wanted to scream, I wanted to send her back and say, go ahead and scream. It's probably the best thing you can do.Because I can see you care deeply about your parents, but you can care deeply about them without taking ownership of decisions they're choosing to make. I want to start off by saying this.This is probably not your problem, but let's break this down together because you sent me the question and I want to give you some honest answers. The first thing I'm going to encourage you to do, you got to accept what is and what isn't yours to control.The reason your parents are probably not telling you much is because they're embarrassed. They're the parents, you're the child. They're probably scared to death to admit what's going on.I don't know if there's an underlying drug issue or maybe there's an addiction issue, maybe there's a gambling issue. To me it sounds like there's something more going on. But big picture thing, your parents finances aren't your responsibility to manage.It's not your deal. Their decisions belong to them. Now. That doesn't mean you can't be concerned about it. I think having a level of concern is great.You love your mom and dad, I totally get it. But concern doesn't mean that you control it. Their finances, again, is not your responsibility to manage. Their decisions belong to them.So here's the first thing I'm going to tell you to do. You can offer help, I think that's a great thing to do. But don't offer a takeover. This is the key.Because I got a feeling that in your own life you're dealing with very deep wounds here. My suspicion, if I had to guess, is you probably came from a place where your parents struggled.There was probably financial issues around your house. But take a step back. How would you feel if you were in their place? They're the parents. You know, we put our parents up on this pedestal.I think about my own parents. My mother's passed away, but my dad's still around. We put our parents on this pedestal and guess what? They're human, just like us.So maybe you ask them, hey, do you want some input here? Are you willing to take some support if it's invited. But you got to come to a point where you respect that adults can reject your advice.And that's hard to hear at times. It's hard to say to another adult, hey, I want to help you. And they say, look, I don't want your help, I don't want. That's okay.But the next thing you can do practically is you can start to prepare emotionally for possible outcomes. You've already shared it. They've sold their house. They're living in a van, like you said. A van? Yeah. Guess what?There's a lot of people that are living in vans right now, in cars. But you got to accept that their choices may create future consequences that you might have to deal with. I get it.You love your parents and you can hope that all of a sudden something's going to happen and things are going to change. But guess what? That doesn't change the reality on the ground.So you've got to emotionally prepare yourself so that you don't panic later, because you might get that phone call, they might show up at that van in your driveway, and you got to decide what you're going to do. Which leads me to this. This is the big takeaway for today. You've got to set boundaries before the crisis comes. Because that crisis is coming.Like I said, it is a very distinct possibility that all of a sudden you wind up and that van is sitting in your driveway. So you've got to decide what you can offer. What are you willing to do? We also have to decide what you're not willing to do.I don't know a lot about your situation, but I don't know if you financially are in a place to support them. But you got to decide on that. Financial support, housing, caregiving, all of these things. You got to set those boundaries.Because, listen, if you set the boundaries now, before that urgency hits, it's going to be so much better. If you listen to my show, you know, I'm always about making a plan. This is the time to make a plan. And we can pray, we can hope for the best outcome.Maybe things click all of a sudden, things work out. Maybe. Maybe there's some mental illness that they need to get through. But you gotta manage your anxiety with truth.The anxiety that you're feeling is you're trying to cover something that isn't yours to carry. Yes, you can care for them. That concern is healthy, but taking over their life choices mentally isn't healthy for you.Pray about it, love them, offer them support. If they don't take it, that's just going to be one of those situations where you just got to say, look, I've done my best.Here, here's what I'm willing to do. Here's what I'm not willing to do. But I want to take this little deeper because what you may be weighing in on is fear. And I hear it in your voice.I think everybody can hear that in your voice today. Your biggest fear is what if they don't figure this out? Ralph, somehow is this going to become mine to fix? And that feeling creates constant anxiety.I get it. Constant anticipation, constant emotional pressure. But God is with you in all this and he sees you. Caring for someone doesn't mean caring.Responsibility God never assigned to you. Maybe that's the answer today. Maybe a simple prayer, lord, help me love them deeply without taking on what is not mine to carry.I know that's hard to hear. You can love your parents and not carry their burdens. You can be supportive without becoming responsible. But I want to give you a win today.I want you to do one thing for me today. I want you to write down one boundary. Finish this sentence. If my parents face a crisis, I'm willing to blank, but not blank.And it depends on your situation. Like I said, if the van rolls up in your driveway, what are you willing to do? Are you willing to take them in? Is there a timeframe?Is there a level of things they need to do? You mentioned neither of them are working. Are you going to be able to handle that? But write it down. Build that boundary ahead of time.It's going to make your life so much easier when the crisis hits. And I hate to say this, but I think the crisis is going to hit. Let's get to our Bible verse today.It comes to us from the book of Galatians, chapter 6, verse 5. It says, for each one should carry their own load. And that's so apropos today. It's time your parents carry their own load.Because as I've said a couple times now, loving someone, deeply loving someone doesn't mean taking responsibility for burdens. They are meant to carry themselves. Because the truth is they've got to figure this out on their own. Can you help them? Can you provide support?Maybe you've got skills that you can offer them, that's great. But if they look the other way, you got to realize you got to put it in the Lord's hands. Let's do that together right now. Let's pray together.Heavenly Father, I want to lift up the person carrying anxiety over their parents financial future. And Lord, I know it's more than just this one caller today. This is a very common situation.And you see concern, you see love, and you feel that pressure that they feel inside. Lord, and I just ask that you would give all of us peace where that fear is taking hold, that fear of not knowing what's coming next.And Lord, help us all to know what's ours to carry and what's not ours to carry. Give us wisdom on how to support and strength of how to set those healthy boundaries.And Lord, in the end, trust for you knowing what they can't control and just remind all of us that you love our parents even more than we do. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. I just want to encourage you. You can love deeply without carrying everything.This is not all yours to carry. That's easy for me to say because I'm not going through it, but it's not all yours to carry.And maybe right now you're wrestling with something similar. Or maybe you've got a money question and you're like, I need to hear an answer to this.I want to encourage you, head over to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question As you know, this show is all about answering your questions and helping you break that cycle of financial shame.So if you're dealing with something, maybe it's a joy, maybe it's a sadness, maybe it's something you just want to talk through. Head over to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question and tell me what's going on in your life and I'll put it on the show.Well, thank you so much for joining me today. A tough one today. I think we all can feel the emotion of what this young lady's going through. But I want to encourage you.We've got a loving God that is there to help us in all of these things. So stay financially savvy out there. May God bless you and you have a great day. Sam.