My Spouse and I Keep Fighting About Money. How Do We Get on the Same Page?

The fight always starts small. A purchase, a number, that raised eyebrow, and somehow you end up in the same argument you've had a hundred times.Money is one of the top things couples fight about, but the fight is almost never about money. Today let's talk about what it's actually about, because the real issue actually surprises people.And once you see it and you see that peace is possible, you can do something about it. So stay with me and let's get you two back on the same team together. Hello and welcome to Financially Confident Christian.I'm Ralph Estep Jr. And I just want to thank you for taking a little time to spend with me today. I'm your guide as we work to break that cycle of financial shame and find confidence.And today we're going to try to break a cycle that I see so many people struggle with, and that's getting on the same page on money with your partner. We got a listener question who's married, and they're living in this constant state of tension. What they actually say is the same fight on repeat.But they want, they love each other, they want unity, and they don't want conflict. But she's feeling exhausted and she's feeling lonely.Now maybe you've got a question just like this or something else that you want to talk about with your finances. I would love to hear from you. The easiest way to get in touch with us is go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/questionWe'll put a link in the show notes, but that's at financiallyconfidentconfidentchristian.com/question Let's get right to today's listener question. Now, I'm going to start with the subject line because this one popped out of me.It said this, my husband and I can't stop fighting about money help in all caps. So we got to help this person. This is what they wrote. Hi, Ralph. My husband and I love each other. I'm going to pause for a second.That's actually a good thing, but let me continue. But money is tearing at us. He's a spender and I'm a saver. And it feels like every few weeks we're back in the same fight. It's like that boxing match.It never ends. But let me get back to their question. He buys something. I get anxious. He feels controlled. I feel ignored. And round and round we go.We've been married for 11 years and this is the one thing we've never figured out. It's gotten to where I almost dread looking at the bank account because I know it'll start something. Neither of us is being malicious.We just see money completely differently. I don't even know where to start a conversation about it that doesn't turn into an argument. How do couples actually get on the same page with money?Is there hope for two people who are just wired so differently? Thank you, Ralph. Well, thank you for sending in your question. I've said this on the show before.I truly believe that money is the breaker of more relationships than any other issue. But I want to say something bold here, because you need to hear this. It's actually not about money, and that surprises a lot of people.It's the fear underneath of it. So we got to reinforce them. I love the fact that you said you love each other, which means you're a team. You're not enemies.But we got to figure out how to balance this team and give you a path back to unity. So the first step is to realize you're not fighting each other. So many people think it's a battle of him versus me. I want this. I want this.I'm a saver, he's a spender. That's not where we need to start. You got to recognize that both of you are on the same team, and you're fighting a problem.And that problem usually is two things. It's the problem of freedom, and it's the problem of security.It's not an attack when you are feeling like you're not getting heard and you're not trying to control the other people. So the first thing you got to do is drop that opponent's lens. You guys are teammates. You're not adversaries of each other.You're not playing some match where somebody's got to win. It's not that you're against each other. It's the two of you against the problem. So how do we get to a point?Well, we got to start by finding the fear underneath the fight. Like I said at the beginning, this is not about money. It's about fear. There's a deeper fear underneath of most of these things.Now, you mentioned you're a saver. If I had to guess, you, fear insecurity. You may have come from a place where you were like, Ralph, we were always struggling. Very, very common.You don't want to live in that fear anymore. You want that security.But at the same time, you got to recognize that the spender may came from a place where there was a lot of restriction, and the fear for them is that restriction. So if you really want to break this, you got to ask each other a very sincere and honest question. What are you afraid of?Look at your partner and say, what are you afraid of? Now listen, I'm going to talk a little bit about how you do it, because it's not saying in the middle of an argument, say, what are you afraid of?You're going to get yourself in trouble. But you got to name the fear. Because once you name the fear, the symptom goes away. You're not arguing out a purchase.You're arguing about a fear neither of you has named. Now, how do you effectively do this? One of the things that I encourage couples. I've been doing this for 30 years. I work with a lot of people.Sometimes people come in and I'll say, hold on, let me take off my accountant hat and let me put on my counselor hat, because I wear that a lot. But one of the things you can do right away is have a regular money meeting. Yes, put it on the calendar. Now, it needs to be calm.Not when you're having a heat of a purchase, like when your husband comes home and says, guess what? I just bought a brand new tv. Not a good time to have a meeting, but a regular money date.Put it on the counter, make it short, maybe have a coffee together, and you decide on what those fears are. You decide on a plan before that tension hits. Because if you can have that one calm meeting, it's going to break down a dozen heated debates.Talk about money on a calm Tuesday. Not in the heat of the moment, but in order to break these fears and to really work together. You said, I've been trying to do this for 11 years.You got to look about building a shared plan with room for both of you. One of the things that I've been married 26 years. The thing I will tell you, successful marriages understand a very big word called compromise.You both have legitimate fears, you both have legitimate desires. But you got to build something together. You've never, you never built these for.You can't impose your fears on the other person just as they can impose theirs on yours. If you're the saver, you want to be the saver. You got to fund that security.But at the same time, if you're the spender, you got to feel like you have some fun money with no questions asked. You got to honor both of those things.When you don't honor those things, you build up resentment, and resentment drains that emotional bank account between the two of you. So you've got to design a plan around those differences. In the end, a good plan gives the saver peace and the spender freedom on purpose.So how do you do that? Well, one of the things you can do is set shared goals that pull you together.One of the things when I counsel couples, I say to them, hey, what could we do today? What are the plans? What are the things you dream about?Owning a home, maybe a vacation home, maybe trying to travel, spending time with your grandchildren. That shared dream can unite you together. Like I said, a trip, a home, being debt free.And if you think about getting in a boat, right, let's say you had oars. Well, if you get together, you're rowing in the same direction, you're going to move a lot more efficiently.You got to move away from your, to my and our future because if you aim together, those fights fade away because you have a set thing. Here's what we're aiming for. What I have found is couples who aim at the same dream, stop fighting over the same dollar. It's really that simple.I want to go a little deeper though, because you said something that really encouraged me today. You said you'd love each other, but the money is tearing at you.And I want you to hold on to that first part because it's the foundation of everything else is built on. The love is still there. I was talking to somebody the other day and we had a very frank discussion.They said, ralph, do you think if we, if we don't love each other, that you can make this work together? And honestly, I don't think you can.And I know that might sound harsh, but if you love each other, if you truly love each other, I'm convinced that there is something you can work to fix this together. I think it's going to be a work thing and it's going to be partly faith too. Here's what our faith doesn't promise us.It doesn't promise you're suddenly going to think alike.I can't tell you that there's some magic potion that all of a sudden you're going to have a money making this week and you're going to hug each other and say, oh, we're both on the same page. It doesn't work like that. It's going to be a time of understanding each other's fears and working through questions.It doesn't promise that spender is going to become a saver. You're not going to convince your husband to be a saver, just as he's not going to convince you to be a spender.And it doesn't promise that every conversation goes smoothly. You are going to have bumps in the road. But here's what faith does promise us.And we're going to talk about a scripture that says two people walking together in agreement are far stronger than one or either one working alone. It says in the scripture, can two walk together? Unless they've agreed, of course. Think about a cord. The strongest cord have multiple strands.The two of you of two strands is a stronger cord. That's a difference. That's a strength. And the Lord will teach you to walk in step together. So come back to the same team. Seek agreement.It's not about who wins and who loses. The goal was never to win the argument, it was to win as one. That one common unity in flesh. Friends, you're not incompatible.You just need to find balance. The love is there, the hard part is done. You just need to build some skills that you can learn together. So here's my win for today.I want you to schedule that first money date. Be intentional about it. Not stress, not some post purchase. Well, I can't believe you bought this. Don't come to it with an agenda.Come to it with this agenda. I'm going to listen and I'm not going to blame you. Start off by saying, hey, what are your fears about money?Not complaints, not I can't believe you did this. What are your fears? Just one conversation. Not try to rehash 11 years of marriage together.Just start with one calm talk where you talk about your fears and honestly spend more time listening than talking. Which leads us Today's Bible verse comes from the book of Amos.This isn't one we quote most of the time, But Amos chapter 3, verse 3 says, can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?And I love this Bible verse because you think about it, if you're going to walk with somebody and your partner says I'm going this way and you're saying I'm going this way, guess what? You're not walking together. Your finances in a marriage need to be the same way.Money sets a big direction and if you are on different parts of the money, you're going to be going in different directions. You can't go on a journey until you agree to some pace that goes where we're going.It doesn't mean you're the same, it just means you have an agreement. And when you have that agreement, God's going to honor that and you'll live that verse out loud. How about we pray right now together?Heavenly Father, I bring before You, a husband and a wife who love each other and you've given them that love, Lord, but they keep colliding over money. They're tired of the same fight and that longing for peace in their relationship, Lord, I just ask you right now to draw them back together, Lord.Help them to see each other as teammates, not opponents. Not that one needs to win and one needs to lose.Hear the fear beneath their words, Lord and bring to them calmness and kindness and help them to both be real active listeners. Help them to build and unite around a shared plan, Lord and remind them that that cord swarmed is not easily broken. And we ask this in Jesus name.Amen. Friend, I know you came in here with dread, but I hope today I've given you a little way to think about the teamwork that can come out of this.You were wired differently and that's okay. But you're never been enemies. You just need to find the balance. So here's my takeaways today for both of you. Work together.It's your fight against the problem, not your fight against each other. Find that fear underneath. Plan those calm money meetings, not heated discussions. Build that plan. Visionize that future. Find that security.Find that freedom. Find those shared goals in that same dream. And I'm telling you this can actually work.I've seen people fix this after years, years of marriages and I know you can do it too. And I want to leave you with one more thing.If you've been battling something like this or some other financial question, I would love to have your answer on or your question on the show. You can record a voicemail for me. Go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail we'll put a link in the show notes.Just click on that and hit record. It's really that simple. FinanciallyconfidentChristian.com/voicemail Thank you for joining me today.I want to encourage you to stay financially savvy. God bless you and you have a truly great day today.