Is Lending Money to Loved Ones Helpful or Hurting the Relationship?

Speaker A00:01:20

Have you ever gotten that text? You know the one, Can I borrow some money? And before you even think about responding, your heart's already feeling split.Yeah, you love them, and you don't want to disappoint them, but you also feel this quiet weight of what if this creates tension? What if this actually hurts our relationship? But bigger than that, what if it hurts my household friend?Money and relationships are powerful together, and when they're handled wisely, they actually strengthen trust. But handled poorly, they strain it. So today on the show, I want to talk about how to respond with love and wisdom at the same time. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here. Welcome to Financially Confident Christian. My goal every day is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and live in confidence.And today we're going to talk about whether lending money to loved ones helps or hurts the relationship. This is a question I get all the time. We got today's question. I want to read it right now. Question says this.Ralph, my best friend is asking me for a loan, and my heart feels split in two. I care about them, and I don't want to let them down. Yet I also feel the weight of protecting my own household.I'm caught between compassion and responsibility, and it's heavy. How do I set a boundary that's loving while still safeguarding my family's stability?Like I said, this is a question I get all the time, both through the show and in person. This is a tough situation. And the thing is, I always go to this. Protecting the relationship matters more than protecting the transaction.I think we really got to start there. We're talking about two different things. We're talking about the relationship, and we're talking about the transaction.Let's talk about how to make this work. The first thing you've got to do is you got to be honest about your capacity.Before you answer that text or that phone call or that request, ask yourself this. If this money never comes back to me, they don't pay you back, whatever that looks like for you.If this money never comes back, will my household be okay? You got to start there, because as I've said on the show before, you got to worry about your household first.If the answer is no, that's the stop sign. That's the red light moment. The net loan's too large.If you can't sustain this, you can't jeopardize your stability to preserve someone else's comfort. I know what you want to do. I feel your heart in this. But you got to worry about your Own stability first.So first thing, number one thing, can I do this? Number two thing, You've got to decide whether this is a loan or a gift. And you know how I feel about that.If you've listened to the show before, I never loan family money. That's just my thing. That's my go to thing. Because loans between loved ones create tension. I've seen it happen way too many times.So for me and for you, maybe, if you choose to help them, and this is your choice, first of all, it's your choice. Don't let anybody push you into doing it. Consider this rule. Only give what you can afford to never see again. What's that look like?That means it's a gift. And if you can't do that, it might be wise to just decline. You know what, I just can't do that right now. I don't lend money to family.I said to somebody, I don't feed stray cats. That's one way to look at it, right? But I think when you set those expectations at the front end, you prevent resentment.So really ask yourself, is this a loan or is this a gift? I honestly believe gifts are the best way to go. But then the next thing you got to think about is, is this a pattern?If somebody's coming to you to ask you for help, ask you for money, ask him, hey, is this a one time hardship or is this some kind of repeated behavior? You got to really understand the difference. See, helping someone through a storm. A couple days ago, I talked about the storms of life.We all go through storms. And helping someone through a storm is different than funding a lifestyle.Most of the time when somebody is asking for help, it's because they're funding a lifestyle that they can't afford. My grandfather used to say, you're living too big for your britches. A lot of times that's what we're talking about.And love, compassion doesn't mean ignoring those patterns. Sometimes the thing you can do the best is call them out on those patterns and say, wait a second, I think you got a bigger problem here.Which leads me to this. You can offer support beyond money. I did this for my own son. He's got his stuff together. Good boy, good kid.I got two sons, older one and a younger one. My younger one, he said to me one time, he said, dad, I really need to borrow some money. And I said, okay, let's do this. I'm an accountant.That's what I do for a living. I said, let's take a look at your Banking app on your phone. Wait a minute. You want to see where my money's going to? Yes. This is my superpower.This is what I do. And so sometimes the most powerful help is helping them build a plan. This is what I wanted to do for my son.Yeah, sure, I could have cut a check, could have pulled money out of my pocket and handed it to him, but am I helping him in the long term? What we did with my son is we helped him build a budget together. I connected him to resources to look at where his money's going.And then I prayed with him. He's kind of taken aback by like, wait a minute, dad, we're going to pray about it? Yeah, we're going to pray about it.Because financial rescue is not the only form of love. I think I showed my son love by sitting down with him and going over where his money's going.Now, he wasn't too happy with that because when we looked at his stuff, I saw stuff as a why are you spending money on this? He got real defensive. I said, well, here's the deal, dude.If you're going to ask me for money the next time we're going through your transactions, he hasn't asked me for money again. But I didn't just rescue him. I gave him the tools to look at this.And in the end, you might have to accept some short term discomfort for long term peace. The heart of your question today, you're feeling they might disappoint them. Guess what? They might be disappointed.They may not understand your no or your here's what other things I can do. One thing my wife and I say all the time, if somebody is really struggling, they need money, I'll go to the grocery store and buy groceries for them.That's understanding, that's showing love. And they might not understand it. They may not get it. They might be disappointed. But I'm going to tell you something.Tension from honesty is healthier than resentment from silence. There's a lot of people walking around where their boundaries were stretched and now they're resentful. And I've seen it destroy friendships.I've seen it destroy relationships. Because when you set those healthy boundaries, it protects both sides. And I just want to encourage you with this. Love is wise, but it's not reckless.So here's your win for today. And I think all of us should do this. Write your own personal rule. Now, for me, my rule looks like this.I will only lend or give what I can afford to lose. Like I said, I've been very honest. I don't lend to friends. I don't lend to family. I don't lend to anybody. Let the banks do that.Let the credit card companies do that. So I already know ahead of time I'm only going to give what I can afford to give. And that clarity will protect your peace.It'll help you make this decision. Listen, are they going to be upset with you? Maybe. Are they going to be disappointed in you? Maybe. You just got to embrace that.You got to worry about you and you got to worry about that relationship. Because trust me, if the relationship is strong, they'll get past this and he might actually appreciate it.My son appreciates my strength in our decisions. Now he says, dad, you notice I haven't asked you for money lately. I said, that's a good thing. He said to me yesterday.He said, dad, I've saved up almost $4,000 now. This is a kid that couldn't save money to save himself. I was so proud of him yesterday when he told me that.Let's get into today's Bible verse comes to us from 2nd Corinthians, chapter 8, verse 12. Again, 2nd Corinthians, 8:12.For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have. A really practical piece of scripture here because God's measuring generosity by willingness and capacity, not by sacrifice. That creates instability.So lean into that today not by sacrifice, but by generosity and willingness and capacity. How about we pray together, Lord, you see how heavy this feels. You feel the weight of these decisions on hearts and minds.So right now I ask that you would give this person wisdom. Give them courage and Lord, help them to find peace in their decision, whatever that is for them. Protect their household.Protect that relationship, Lord, and truly guide us all towards generosity that reflects both love and wisdom. Help us to live where a place where compassion and responsibility walk together in tandem. And we ask this in Jesus name, Amen.Friend, let me tell you this. You can love deeply without endangering your own stability.And if you're not sure what the right move is when money and relationships collide, I'd love to hear from you. You can record a voicemail message for me by going to financiallyconfidentchristian.com voicemail we'll talk through it together.I'd love to hear your voice. I get some messages and we got a voice the other day and put that on the show and you might be the next voice on the show.So again, we'll put this in the show notes. Click on the link and just talk to me like you're talking to a friend.Financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail and I just want to thank you so much for joining me today. A tough topic today. It's hard when you feel torn with your heart, but I want to encourage you. Stay financially savvy.May God bless you and you have a truly great day.